I Am Confident of This

I had a panic attack.

I didn’t realize what was happening at first, but gradually my ability to stand upright and breathe deeply was diminishing.

Once I began to understand what was happening, I had no choice but to lie down and try regaining my breath. But it didn’t get better. It got worse.

The panic took over.

Next my hands and feet became completely tense. I couldn’t move my fingers. My toes pointed and I couldn’t retract them. I was afraid I might have a heart attack.

It wasn’t until a precious friend arrived and held my hands and told me over and over “Just breathe. Breathe. It’s going to be okay. God’s got you.” Then I finally felt my breath slowing. The tension in my hands and feet began to lessen.

I still deal with anxiety to this day. Too much overwhelm and not enough oxygen creeps in and I have to stop and take deep breaths to try to find my calm.

The worst is when I’m in public. Someone might say something that triggers it, I might just have a memory, or I might see a mother-daughter pair together… and I have an automatic reaction. My breath catches. I use every bit of my willpower to keep the tears from falling. My throat tightens. I hold my breath hoping it also holds my tears.

So when I hear Phil Wickham’s song, “Oh how I long to breathe the air of heaven,” I FEEL the words. I long for the day when we are so enamored by the presence of God that gratitude and peace are not only our automatic response but the only option. To be surrounded by air that is permeated with his presence and never have to struggle to breathe again. It is the highest prize I can imagine.

Then I read David’s words of the one thing he asks, the one thing he desires, to dwell in the house of the Lord forever, and I feel that too. But he ends the chapter with: “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”

And I am reminded… there will be moments in this life that will make it hard to breathe, yes. My breath will still catch with grief more times than I care to imagine. But there will still be many beautiful moments that take my breath away.

I am surrounded by the goodness of God, and so I pray to be a good steward of his blessings.

I will continue to long for my eternal home in his glory, but until then, I will purpose my eyes to look for his presence, my spirit to embrace his closeness, my mind to remember his promises, my heart to grow in love, and my mouth to proclaim his praise.

Because I have lived in the goodness of God. And I am confident I will continue to see his goodness.